i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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