I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
