She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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