You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
