Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
