Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
how does that bad decision feel?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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