He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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