Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
