I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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