Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
