Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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