dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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