Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
