i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
