For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
