walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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