i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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