my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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