Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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