My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
