I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
