someone owes me an orgasm
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
