I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
