were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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