quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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