I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
