Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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