An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
