"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
