yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize