Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
