He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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