had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
