Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
