he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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