she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
