Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You can't special order awesome
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
this is an emotional support booty call
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
