I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
