No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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