I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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