i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
