last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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