Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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