and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize