im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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