New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
