I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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