I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize