alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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