I skipped work to stalk him.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
