pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
