I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
