My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
