I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
