If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize