I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
