he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
