just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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