I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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