i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
