omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
